My name is カラス

Watashi no namae wa カラス desu

My name is ka-ra-su.

カラス in Japanese means crow literally.

Why Japanese?

Well, it is just... because I love the language lol!

But why? Why crow?

Because.. It is my name -not really lol-.

I am Indonesian.

My name is G.......A G....A K...... -hiding my real name, lol!-

Therefore, the acronym of my name is GAGAK as I capitalize above.

In Indonesian, gagak means crow.

Since I was little, I used to address myself as crow which everyone see in not a good way.

Maybe, people see crow as a sign of bad luck.

Their voice are also terrible, moreover they like to steal silver things, etc.

But for me, crows are not that bad.

Crows do not compete with us about food.

On the contrary, they help us to eat what we want to get rid of.

Well, I am not a crow maniac actually, but they are interesting enough.

In my eyes, crows are unique.

They may look bad in front of people's eye, but inside they help people.

-Just my thoughts though-

A new meaning

Today is Good Friday.

I went to church just a few hours ago, attended the ceremony for Good Friday.

And like always, the preach was about the cross, the crucifixion.

The meaning I have got so far:

He who has been crucified for us and -ironically- by us.

Remembering the sins from the past, now, and the future.

How terrible they are.

How many sinners to be bear. Including me.

I cannot imagine how hard it is for Him.

But still, He gave His life at the cross.

He opened His arms for you, for me, for all of us.

I am very grateful for all of these.

But this year...

It does not stop there.

"Grace is not only about what you got, it's also about what you do after"

The grace is given.

The arms are opened.

Now...

Do I dare opening my arms for them?

Do I dare sharing this grace?

To relinquish this selfish me and start accepting, start loving.. others.

Beautiful Things

Things we have, things we do not have.

Things we want to have, but maybe we cannot have.

Fate/Stay Night, episode 24 (last episode).
A quote by Gilgamesh (left) to Saber (right). After 8 years waiting, he still cannot have her.
If I have the time in the future, I will tell more about it.

Well, I guess there are certain things we cannot have until the end.
And it makes them beautiful as they are.
But still, we have to try our best! -like Gilgamesh. 8 years! lol-
And -do not forget- be grateful with what we have :D

Reflection

Last Friday was my friend's birthday, but she will be celebrate it next Sunday. -She was my school and my close friend in the first year of junior high, then she went overseas to learn language and she got back home half a year ago- I got the honor to sing at the end of the program. This afternoon, I went to her house -after three years- to choose the song I am going to sing. At first, I felt awkward. But then, she really treated me like the old days and I felt very happy that I could be open to her.

After some time we searched for the song -and chatting, and sharing about our lifes-, at last we found the song! The song which I know -well, even though I love music, I just know a few songs- and she likes. Then we searched for the instrumental music of that song and the lyrics. I listened to the real song a few times while reading the lyrics, then started to sing with the instrumental music.

The more I sang, the more I am deeply into the lyrics. It is like, the lyrics showed the expressions of... me. I believe most of you already know the song, it is very popular for its movie: Mulan.

Reflection by Christina Aguilera

Look at me

You may think you see

Who I really am

But you'll never know me

Every day

It's as if I play a part

Now I see

If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

I am now

In a world where I

Have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow

I will show the world

What's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection

Someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be

Free to fly

That burns with a need to know

The reason why

Why must we all conceal

What we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

No Way Out

"Channel our pressure into hobbies"

I am pressed in pressure.
My lately sensitive emotions are also stimulated.
Channeling it is the best answer.
But, what if, the hobby itself was the one that was being pressed?

Hearing at those same advice, those exact words, those recognized tone I have known so too well.
"I am not a authoritarian", yet being one as the words are being spoke.
"I want you to discuss with me, so we could decide for the best", yet my opinions were always counter-attacked.
At the end, I always ended up losing.

When it has had ended, our discussion were brought to other discussions he made.
Complaining about me and my behavior loudly so I could hear it.
Maybe, he thought I could change and follow his will if I heard.
But no, it made me sick.

What a stubborn mind it was.
Could not even accept opinions or see from another viewpoint.
Do not just look from your point of view, man!!
If only he could realize..

Mask of Feelings

I have seen this phrase in my phone long ago, -well not that long though-.

"Loud laughter often hides miserable tragedies of life"

At first, I did not believe it at all, but now..
Maybe, just a slight maybe, it was true.

"Kimi wa hitori nanka janai ze!"

To hear and understand a phrase -in this context, lyrics- in another language gives such wonderful feeling!!
This happened to me -for the first time- a few years ago, when I recognize a phrase in a Japanese song, Ft. by Funkist, 3rd opening theme of Fairy Tail.
Just before the chorus, he sang

"Kimi wa hitori nanka janai ze!"

*before I continue, I do not really understand Japanese well so, if I happened to make a mistake, please understand. I am very welcome for corrections :)*

Kimi means you,
wa is a "to be",
hitori means one person -well, I prefer the word alone-,
nanka... just a word, I think. I do not know the meaning literally XD
janai makes the phrase negative.
So, it means "you are not alone!"
Or maybe it sounds better like this "you are not alone, right?!" or "you are not alone anymore, got it?"

For the first phrase I recognize, it was very inspiring.
I immediately remembered a word, Immanuel.
And it has once became my motto!

Through The Screen

I kinda like it, to communicate with people by those screens.
Why?
Of course, because we can only see words. Just words.
Well, maximum you can only use emoticons.
I do use emoticons a lot.
Unfortunately, sometimes the emoticons are not various enough, for me.
I still have not found a couple of emoticons I really want to use.
But then I realize, I often get myself hiding my real expressions.
It is so much easier to make up emotions through words and emoticons, through the screen.
To be who you wanted to be;
Not to be who you really are.

Even now when I type these words,
These expressions you can not see behind the screen.
Am I telling the truth?
Am I who I really am?
Or it is just who I wanted to be.

Why Do They Have To Be So Cool ?!

What I mean by "they" here is nothing else but Japanese -anime- music.
I love extraordinary things, especially extraordinary music! And anime songs provide it all.

Starting with their unusual usage of chords that creates remarkable transpositions and overtones:

• Yakusoku wa Iranai by Maaya Sakamoto, 1st opening theme of Escaflowne. Using D tone with unusual chord before chorus.
• Chance by Kohei Koizumi, 1st ending theme of Candidate for Goddess. Tones on E, G, C, and A.
• Platinum by Maaya Sakamoto, 3rd opening theme of Card Captor Sakura. Tones on D and F#
• Kimi no Shinwa ~ Aquarion Dai Ni Shou by Akino with bless4, 1st opening theme of Aquarion Evol. Beginning on F#, to A, G, F# and couple of overtones. I can not even remember them all! LOL

Continue to their unusual usage of time signature:

• Don't Look Back Again by WAG, 1st opening theme of Saiyuki Reload Gunlock -uses 5/4 at the beginning and changes into 4/4 at the chorus.
• Symphonic Dream by Katate Size, 2nd ending theme of Nurarihyon no Mago -uses 11/4 for the intro, 6/4 for the verse, 4/4 for the chorus, and unimaginable 7/4, 5/4 and 6/4 in the bridge.

Moreover, their techniques in music instruments:

• Drums
• Waltz by Suneohair, 1st ending theme of Honey and Clover. First 13 seconds
• Fast Forward by Monkey Majik, 1st opening theme of Nurarihyon no Mago. In overall song, but especially in 00:15-00:43
• Fusion of -especially- piano, violin, and drum
• Kagami no Naka by Can-Goo, 1st opening theme of Ultra Maniac. In 00:34 - 00:56
• Fusion of piano, violin, bass, and -especially- drum
• I Talk to The Rain by Yuki Kajiura, Tsubasa Chronicles soundtrack. From 01:26 onwards (you have to "really" hear the song if you want to hear this intricate yet awesome fusion)

Not to mention my favorite song, Tsuioku Merry-Go-Round by onelifecrew, 2nd ending theme of Fairy Tail.
A jazzy trio of piano, guitar, and bass with a slight of jazz drum beats in 02:51-03:10 followed by the rap until 03:23.

Well, those are "some" songs I remembered, I could not have post everything because it is too many, but anyway
These songs... never fail to amaze me.
Thank You, God, for gifting such talented musicians who composed their songs.
And motivated me to keep going and compose my own music.
someday . .

The Story Behind

I have just realized my biggest fear, of being alone, rejected, and forgotten.
From that fear, my other fears were produced.
My head was full of thoughts and imaginations.
And yesterday, I think, it reached its peak.
I have to release it, express it somehow.

"Well, if you feel it is already brimming, then express it. Through words, drawings, music" I have been told.

Making a blog is not a bad idea, at all.
To express my feelings through words -though I am still not good and used to it.
Drawings and music too, eventually :)
Even if I do not know whether I could continue posting in the future;
It is worth to try, isn't it?